Anyone who’s experienced life as the family scapegoat like myself, fully well knows how hellish it can be.
To be in this position in the dysfunctional emotional unsupportive family dynamic—as the scapegoat you are the one, who provides an outlet for everyone else’s stress, frustration, and various other negative emotions.
Whether that be from youth or even in adult life.
What is a family scapegoat?
In dysfunctional family dynamics, the scapegoat is the person who receives the brunt of scorn and abuse. Usually, it’s the child of a narcissistic parent who’s forced to wear this heavy crown, and they end up being barraged from all sides as a result.
Whether that be from close family, distant relatives and friends of the narcissist.
The narcissist parent generally has a “golden child” who can do no wrong, or there may be a golden child positioned and appointed in the family from youth. In contrast, the family scapegoat is the one who can’t do anything right. They’ll be blamed for everything that goes wrong, even if they have nothing to do with it.
Example from youth; Might be the parent might have had a bad day, or in my case not wanting to participate in any kind of religious meetings due to my own thoughts, and politely explaining this to the parent.
Speaking out in defence of any kind especially if it is respectful was met by punishment for back-talk/disrespect.
Other family members may take advantage of this situation, or are roped into to belittle the child or adult, by blaming the scapegoat. As you can imagine, the scapegoat inevitably ends up doing one of two things: having their will broken and accepting their fate or leaving the situation to save themselves.
Let’s take a closer look at the latter of these, where the scapegoat leaves. Like I have done in adult life.
What happens to the family dynamic in those left behind?
Well, this all depends on how much contact the scapegoat has after they’ve left. In my case the No contact has seemed to work thus far. Time will tell if any other issues occur, but these will be documented and where possible recorded for the protection of myself and that of my family.
Some scapegoats will continue to be in touch with their family members, due to the anguish of loss of support. Trying to ensure they’re able to salvage some kind of familial bond, with some members of the family. Others maintain contact because they want to keep good relationships with members that they actually care about.
Ensuring that, instead of burning their bridges, many people refrain from going no contact because they’re afraid of how their absence will affect other family members. They may have younger siblings, but they might also be another parent or caregiver who’s fragile and vulnerable rather than being a co-abuser or enabler.
When and if the scapegoat walks away, the family’s dysfunction increases. How? You may ask!
See, -Without said scapegoat to project and dump all their negativity onto, they don’t know what to do with themselves. As a result, they turn on each other and chaos ensues.
They’ll still try to use the scapegoat as their punching bag from a distance, of course. Even though they’re not in the house anymore, they’ll still get blamed for everything that goes wrong.
I recount a time, when trying to work things out with one relationship with a narcissist due to being attached to them as we had a child. Having no contact with my narcissistic mother for over 3 months, none of any kind negative or positive so I thought. To be text by one of the family flying monkeys for needing to understand her marriage which was ending at the time that I was made aware of was none of my business, and then being insulted and told I was like my father.
After looking at this vile text message from a family member who happened to be my aunt, I was completely confused.. I was literally 144 miles away from my mother. I didn't understand why I received a message, of a situation I knew nothing about, from this family member. Only for the narcissist at the time I was in a relationship, to confirm that this information and hurtful comment originated with my mother. Clearly now during healing, it all makes sense.
Whatever had gone on between my mother and her ex-husband at the time, was blamed on me, an estranged adult who was quietly trying to get on with her life. This was an example of how the scapegoat can be blamed for things that they have nothing to do with.
The family or the narcissist may harass the scapegoat on a regular basis or do things to punish them, indirectly or directly. Such as feelings of isolation or even resort to sending police over for a “wellness check” under the guise of being concerned. Now that specific situation has not occurred, although after exercising no contact,
I found it oddly strange how a family member who never contacted me, decided they wanted to stay at my home, under the explanation that they require to stay for work. This is after no contact with my narcissist mother.
On saying no- To what I now know to be one of her flying monkeys, I was berated with questions such as, what I was doing workwise, who would look after my child, trying to get information to give feedback to the narcissist.
The response to this, should always be minimal or none at all. If you can. It all depends on just how petty, spiteful, and unbalanced they are.
“Flying Monkeys "This situation if you don't know already is the recruiting of the “Flying Monkeys "much like those flying menaces used to do the abuser’s bidding. much like those flying menaces used to do the abuser’s bidding. “Flying Monkeys”much like those flying menaces used to do the abuser’s bidding.
Going no contact often requires drastic measures to keep oneself safe. As for those left at home, such as siblings or other family members, once the scapegoat has left the building, the family dynamics will get far more chaotic.
So what's Next??
The foundation crumbles.
Quite often, everything falls apart once the scapegoat walks away. The narcissist parent may start to unleash all their negativity on their spouse or other child or children), who are significantly less tolerant than the scapegoat was. As such, the parents may end up getting divorced, and the children may choose to go with the other parent or move out on their own. Sometimes, in order to avoid splitting up the rest of the family, everyone will try to suck the scapegoat back into the fold, simply to get things back to how they used to be.
Someone might invent a crisis that only the scapegoat can fix or that they need to handle “as a family.” Others may try to guilt trip or manipulate the scapegoat so they’ll come back. Anything to get things back to the abusive dynamic that everyone (except the scapegoat) appeared to be comfortable with until this point.
It’s quite possible, if there is a new scapegoat is chosen who’s more mentally or emotionally fragile, they may develop depression or personality disorders, or simply break down entirely.
” Quite often, the other family members will be fully aware of what’s going on, but know that nothing they say or do will change the abuser’s mentality. There’s often resistance from these other family members—be that passive or overt—but said resistance never results in any lasting change.
For example, another family relative may try to chastise the narcissistic parent for their poor behaviour, and end up being screamed at for interfering. Then the abuser will double down to prove that they’re in power and in the right.
Narcissists don’t give up power easily.
It’s important to note that the main power house of this dysfunctional family, that is the narcissist, will often make a concerted effort to keep tabs on the scapegoat after they’ve left. They might show up at their home unannounced, my mother has done that a few times since NO CONTACT.
Before going no contact, my mother made an awful scene via note, protesting how I could treat her in this awful manner, by not being in, when she turned up at my home unannounced. I happened to be out at the time at a friend's home for a playdate with my son. I was chastised for being insensitive and how I could treat her in this manner. I received no phone call or text - but the anger stemmed from her feeling she has the right of passage whenever she deemed fit.
Another example was she tuned up at 11.45pm in the night, to use the bathroom. At the time she has keys, when questioning her on the appropriate time and explaining a call or text would have been a little polite, I was shamed and yelled at, at my lack of concern, for her wellbeing, or that this was not much of a big deal, invalidating my requests for respect. These are things some narcissistic mothers will do.
Luckily, I was able to retrieve my keys after this situation occurred.
However, she turned up at my home at a later date again, and I was unwarranted with text messages - blaming me for humiliation and cruelty.” Might I add, I was actually out at the time, and received no phone call regarding this.
Due to the above, I was solicited with a distasteful message, with accusation of indescribable measure, my child was brought into the argument, and threatened that her emotional support if needed in the future would be taken away, along with comparing our importance against materials, and warned, I should not respond with complaints or defend myself, but to apologize for aunty offense she felt I had placed upon her.
This was the final straw for me and I went No Contact, I'm not going to act like this has been easy, its not easy for scapegoats. However, sometimes this is a necessary measure to protect yourself emotionally.
(Image.Gigphy.com)
So be warned my fellow listeners, some narcissists may even resort to turning up at a workplace unannounced or hound them via phone or social media. They do this because they need more ammunition to validate the idea that everything they said and did to this person was justified. The narcissist will cling to their personal narrative with every fibre of their being. If they don’t have this as their unshakeable foundation, their familial authority and delusions will start to crack.
You may have noticed that people tend to cling to their perceptions at all costs, regardless of the damage they do to others in the process. Most will gladly throw their family and children under the bus to keep their view on life intact. I know this two well, and will give examples in other episodes.
Should the scapegoat go no contact?
Should the scapegoat refuse to be drawn back into the fold and instead choose to maintain zero contact, things will continue to fall apart at home. As mentioned, the others may try to choose a new punching bag to take their place, but this rarely works out.
This is because the scapegoat was chosen for a very specific reason. Usually, they’re the one family member who posed a threat to the narcissist might be strong-willed and defiant, thus undermining the narcissist position of supreme authority.
Alternatively, they remind the narcissist of aspects of their personality/past that they despise.
Finally, they may pose a threat in terms of competition. A perfect example of this would be a strong-willed daughter or son of a narcissist or abusive mother or father. The adolescent child or adult child scapegoat may show signs of being taller, stronger, and/or more intelligent than he is.
Instead of encouraging the adolescent child or adult child to achieve everything he’s capable of attaining, goes into full-on competitive mode. Behind closed doors the scapegoat will out them down verbally, and make him the family dumpster so he doesn’t surpass him in any way.
Part of this is instinctive, as the narcissistic parent knows deep down that adversity makes an individual stronger.
That said, what I have learnt whilst healing myself, is one has to break this dysfunctional family dynamic. One also has to nurture and care for children as they mature. If the child is punished and put down at every turn, there will be nothing but conflict, which will result in estrangement and loss all around. The child may grow up to be insecure and have an mountable emotional imbalance throughout their life if not.
When there’s a designated scapegoat in the family, everyone gets used to treating them as such. When I say everyone, I mean everyone.
Most if not all family members will unleash patterns of gaslighting or indirect humiliation or put downs, to not only inflate their ego- or trauma dumping, some may do this to to stay on good terms with the narcissist.
Some might in fact, they might be kind to the scapegoat in secret, giving them gifts or special treatment when no-one else is looking.
Once the scapegoat is gone, however, you can envision how all hell will break loose.
The best comparison is rather like what would happen if the one sink hole they can dump garbage in with a never ending bottom. You can only imagine how the situation would go downhill very quickly.
The dysfunctional family can be downright parasitic in nature.
See, much like a parasite needs its host in order to continue thriving. As such, once the link is severed, the parasite (narcissist) will try to leap to the next host to continue drawing the energy that they need and reassure themselves that they’re still in control.