What I would Reccommend fresh out the Deep Waters to regain confidence after an abusive relationship
I resembled a lost and openly angry and bitter person after after I left my relationship. I was emotionally sick, ready to move, which I did and unnecessarily self-critical, alog with having no self confidence and seemed to want to acquire validation from whatever platform, person I could even without taking the warning signs that some people could have just not undertsood, cared or even gave a damn.
I would become upset, and angry when ever I saw something or was told something, that would set off emotional triggers to wounds still open. without understanding why. I had become so conditioned to following my ex-husband through our life together that I had allowed myself to be absorbed into the background. Though we put on a show of “happy family,” my life felt dull and muted. I was experiencing depression but was too foggy from the abuse and control to realize it, and one of the biggest casualties was my self-confidence.
Abuse is cyclical—it is not “all bad, all the time.” Abusers are gifted con artists who use tactics such as hoovering (manipulating someone to keep them close) or love bombing (using excessive displays of affection to
influence someone’s actions) to counter their abuse.
The cycle of abuse ensnares us, like a snake that cuddles its prey before tightening its grip, then asks what's wrong?
The positive aspects of the relationship are often the reasons we stay, the small little moments, the feeling of abandonment, the worry of feeling we will not find another based on our own insecurities or words projected onto us by our abusers. The the red flags, of the first fight, or moments of our intuition tells us something is not right.
However, for many myself included we choose to ignore.
We must remember the good times are part of the abuse cycle. They are designed to pull us back to the abuser, to make us question the accuracy of our memories, things that have been said or done to instill another layer of self-doubt.
I doubted myself constantly over the course of my relationship. Was I not understanding, why was I being punished over and over again, why was I forgiven for something I did or didn't do? My ex partner was critical of virtually everything I did—the way I spoke, handled myself in public, due to the embarrassed of not wanting to even be seen with me. From how I cooked, even down to how I would raise a child he never even took care of.
He criticized every decision I made, and when I opened up to him, utilised my secrets as a weapon against me, which in turn he use as a gaslighting technique to anyone and everyone who would listen when I finally left him.
Years of criticism compounded with my introverted nature, and I felt voiceless, powerless, completely invisible. It was as though I were simply eroding from the inside out. I had zero “spark, for myself passions and my confidence very fragile in the beginning was completed gone, like the tracks of road runner.”
Its Like he lit a torch to me and said I'm ready:
It has taken two years of implementing the following behaviors to build up my self-confidence again—and I’m still not fully healed. Here are my suggestions for combating self-doubt after an abusive relationship and regaining a sense of confidence and independence.
Start with my daily affirmations. I strongly recommend beginning an affirmation practice. Affirmations are short, positive statements that you can say to yourself every day.
Over time, studies show that these positive statements can help to rewire the brain, which helps us heal from trauma. Developing two simple affirmations: “I am important” and “My scars are my strength.” I would right these down and place them on a mirror so I would remember to say them to myself when I was getting ready for bed or brushing my teeth in the morning. When I got low or had a trigger, I would quickly run back to my affirmations and repeat them over and over again. I do think it helped.
"Take back small parts of your life." - Read More
At the beginning of my independence, I started going out with my child to functions and outings to enjoy being seen and heard and most importantly just OUT with a little person who I adored and who adored spending time with his Momma. I ate ice cream, yes that right Ice cream Large one, I wore clothes I loved that he would have criticised, I did hairstyles I wanted that he hated. I was able to watch and read books in my own space, which I was criticised for in my own home. I finally reached out to family and friends, I had distanced myself from over the years, due to being told that they didn't care.
The small yet simple things. It felt like my own personal revolution, though it was impossible to explain to others just how revolutionary it really was. Taking back the small decisions in my life helped me to tune in to parts of myself that had been smothered during my marriage. It was an exercise in asking myself, What do I want?
How can Professional Therapy Help?
Finding a therapist who understands abuse and abuse recovery is critical. When I would slip into self-doubt and self-deprecation. By still accepting doubt laid upon you by your ex partner you limit hearing the sound of your own voice.
This is due to abuse survivors often minimizing our own suffering and that abuse amnesia is actually a real thing.
I suggest reading anything and everything about abuse and control, and how they work. Specifically, I highly recommend these 3 Books.
The FOG is one of the main reasons that people stay "stuck" in abusive relationships for so long, why they continue to get involved with abusive people, why they feel that they are the problem, and why they tend to feel that the abuse is somehow their fault. When a person is being manipulated they have a hard time figuring out who has the problem, what is normal, what is problematic, and if their wants, needs, and feelings are valid. This book compares and contrasts of these concepts so that targets of any type of manipulation and abuse can make a more empowered decision.
Narcissists can definitely make our lives decidedly hellish, but by understanding them and following a simple plan we can take back control of our boundaries and our lives and feel confident that we're "doing the right thing" when dealing with these harmful personalities. You will learn to identify and dissect all kinds of narcissistic reactions, coping mechanisms and narcissistic supply- both healthy and extreme.
As victims of silent crimes where the perpetrators are rarely held accountable, survivors of narcissistic abuse have lived and endured an abuse cycle of love-bombing and devaluation—psychological violence on steroids. Survivors are offered new insights on what it means to be both a survivor and a thrive of covert manipulation and trauma. POWER teaches us that it is important to not only understand the tactics of toxic personalities but also to recognize and combat the effects of narcissistic abuse; it guides the survivor to learning, growing, healing and most importantly of all—owning their agency to rebuild their lives and transform their powerlessness into victory.
The more I read, the more I was able to connect , relocate and see through my own experiences, this S###, was not in my head. This was essential to the recovery of my self-confidence because it helped me to see that I wasn’t imagining it. I wasn’t crazy.
Recovery is not a sprint; be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to heal.