This post is an account of my personal experiences in dealing with a narcissistic family from aa viewpoint of beginning my healing journey.
The narcissistic family tend to hide profound pain and operate according to an unspoken social family dynamics against a set of rules. Adult children of narcissists have a difficult time putting their finger on what is wrong, " The adult from a narcissistic family is filled with unacknowledged anger, feels like a hollow person, feels inadequate can suffers from periodic anxiety and depression, and has no clue about how he or she got that way, until they are able to identify the abuse they suffered.
This is due to rampant denial of emotions and validity in the narcissistic family system. The narcissistic family hides profound pain.
Secrets
The family secret is that the parents are not meeting the children's emotional needs, or that they are abusive in some way. This is the norm in the narcissistic family. The message to the children: "Don't tell the outside world—pretend everything is fine."
I recall growing up and being told I had to constantly loose weight as I was getting fat, being 13/14 years old (Please note, at this age in standard home children are not responsible buying food within the home right?).
The hippieness of getting treats and spending time with my mother is one most young girls look forward to as they grow, only to be followed by the ridicule of being told I needed to then loose weight. Its only now as a 35 year adult I see these were all potential daggers to chip away at my esteem.
Image
"IMAGE"
The narcissistic family is all about image. Especially the narcissistic mother image to her is the beacon of her superiority and gloriousness- it exudes the attention she needs from her narcissistic supply- you will no this far yo well if your recovering from being a scapegoat.
The message is: "We are bigger, better, have no problems, and must put on the face of perfection, we have solidarity- 7 sisters who all live across the country who compete argue and bully each other...ok!." "What would the relatives think, if you don't show for this funeral?" Wait- To be in a room where almost everyone hates me due to lies supplied by Narcissist to make the image of a loving mother be deemed overtly by a ungrateful and problematic adult child.
Negative Messages
Children are given spoken and unspoken messages that get internalized, typically: "You're not good enough"; "You don't measure up"; "You are valued for what you do rather than for who you are."
So I remember going through a stage where all I wanted was hugs from my mother, but I was in different to wanting to become a Jehovah's Witness and didn't want to go to bible reading meetings and walk preaching along with studying this 6 days a week.
I started to question the normal things teenagers do, God, Boys, and learn pretty much the hard way, don get me wrong- I was a head strong young lady, but this against a narcissistic mother, is like a force of cruel and manipulated manifestations of emotional abuse.
As my narcissistic mother she admitted 19 years later. "You were harder to control!"
That was the light bulb moment-- "Mum why would you want to CONTROL me, I thought??
Once labelled and designated as the scapegoat child, I remember if I had the slightest indifference- she would call family members over, who would begin to proceed to tell me so many negative things about me fed by her, I remember the amount of insults I got in one week from aunts and cousins where my mother just sat their smiling. All due to not wanting to go to Church.. Wow.
Narcissistic families will always project their own insecurities or flaws or anger directed at you, by subliminal or direct messages about yourself which you will internalise.
Lack of Emotional Tune-In
Narcissistic parents lack the ability to emotionally tune in to their kids. They cannot feel and show empathy or unconditional love. They are typically critical and judgmental. This can be far from the truth, I remember wanting to please her like all scapegoats, before they release a vicious cycle. Narcissist can see you cry, plead and open up your heart to them, and literally show no emotion what so ever. But when gaslighting and playing the victim mode with many flying monkeys are very good and making people believe they have emotional concern for the same people they victimised.
Triangulation
The most common means of communication in narcissistic families is triangulation. Information is not direct. It is told through one party about another in hopes it will get back to the other party. Family members talk about each other to other members of the family, but don't confront each other directly. This creates passive-aggressive behaviour, tension, and mistrust. When communication is direct, it is often in the form of anger or rage.
I know this all to well, I think is was the story of my life from youth up until I decided to sever all contact with my narcissistic mother, after confronting her regarding this 2 years before no contact and then the outburst of accusations which literally came from nowhere. Bare with me, many times personal information regarding past relationships, where I only confided to my mother were told to me by a Bipolar Cousin.
Bare with me, many times personal information regarding past relationships, where I only confided to my mother were told to me by a Bipolar Cousin.
In direct comments where my mum clearly painted herself as the hero, for helping and taking care of her adult child, ensuring she would receive praise for my hard earned work in my adult life came back to me.. in many forms,.
The last attempt was when a I cut contact and a family member who has never reached out to me before requested to stay in my home. When I stated it wasn't possible this family member asked who would look after my child-- as though this role was covered by my mother. I responded politely advising this could be a professional child care provider, the attempt to triangulate a family member to stay in my home only to find out what was going on in my life, after family members talk about each other was quickly closed down by me. I could list so many over certain blogs I will use my own personal experiences- identified after therapy to realise I was subjected to a Narcissistic family dynamic. As the family designated scapegoat.
Unclear Boundaries
There are few boundaries in the narcissistic family. Adult Children's feelings are not considered important. Private diaries are read, physical boundaries are not kept, and emotional boundaries are not respected. The right to privacy is not typically a part of the family history.
This is actually my favourite, remember starting my period and being absolutely terrified, and asked my mum if she should keep it a secret. She literally laughed at me and rang her sister straight away to tell her.
Now as a adult after going through a narcissistic relationship with my child's father without contemplating the phone calls for consolation with my mother were then discussed to her sister and husband at the time, were to exude her being a supportive mother but my adult decisions in my private life were not to the standard they should be, as I would end up a single mother. Baring in mind, before my mums marriage she was indeed a single mother at the age of 20.
Narcissistic parents have no boundaries can turn up anytime. My mother once turned up to my house announced at 11.45pm at night putting the key through my kitchen door, to my horror whilst I was naked alone in my kitchen having ran out of the bathroom to turn the boiler off.
When I asked what she was doing she replied she finished a shift and needed to use the toilet, after letting her use it, I asked if she could ring next time as it was more than late.
Having sat over the thought that night, I asked her via one if she would do that to one of her friends, married or not she aid not that would be highly inappropriate, I asked why she did it to me. Then was bombarded with is was only to use the toilet, and not a big deal dismissing everything I said, and I was made to feel Like I was bad for asking her to not do it again. After that I though it was best for my only privacy and sanity to request the key back.
Which caused narcissistic injury, however I got what I needed a boundary. Siblings Not
Sibling Unattachment
In healthy family sets ups, children are encouraged when growing up to at least attempt to be loving and close to each other. In narcissistic families, children are pitted against each other and taught competition. There is a constant comparison of who is doing better and who is not.
In the narcissistic family dynamic I left this was a regular thing, I first noticed between the older generations amongst sister relationships, then it filtered down to the grandchildren my generation. There were always discussions about this one an that one and how well they are doing, comparisons and put downs internally felt not just in the household I was in, but in other households too, as I was made aware.
Some are favoured or seen as "the golden child," and others become the scapegoat for a parent's projected negative feelings. Siblings in narcissistic families rarely grow up feeling emotionally connected to each other. Feelings. Feelings are denied and not discussed. Children are not taught to embrace their emotions and process them in realistic ways. They are taught to stuff and repress them, and are told their feelings don't matter. Narcissistic parents are typically not in touch with their own feelings and therefore project them onto others. This causes a lack of accountability and honesty, not to mention other psychological disorders. If we don't process feelings, they do leak out in other unhealthy ways.
Disregard of Feelings
The main harbour is toxic narcissistic families tend to operate to unspoken set of rules. Children learn to live with those rules, but never stop being confused and pained by them, even into adulthood until they understand the dynamic they grew up around. for these rules block their emotional access to their parents. They basically become invisible—neither heard, seen, or nurtured. Conversely, and tragically, this set of rules allows the parents to have no boundaries with the children and to use (or abuse) them as they see fit.
Scapegoats You will Never be Not Good Enough"
These messages can be echoed from a young age even into adult life. I remember being told that I wasn't responsible enough and that's why My mum wouldn't want to stay at my home whilst working, even though she bumped around from family remember to family remember whilst working in London-- paying for her keeping up with the jones home in North England.
When she saw the dismay in my face and hurt she smiled, as she knew she was putting a woman down who spent the best part of two years trying to navigate a life in another country with land bought freehold with no debts, a accomplishment only 3 of the older generation had accomplished in her family my my not being one of them... it all came from resentment, and jealously. A week prior, she stated she should buy land also , that way if I fail in any of my endeavours, Myself and my son could live with her- who knows he would look after her in old age, she stated.
The alarms bells in me head rang louder than the thunder in a storm. I had no desire for my child to be subjected to the emotional damage I was subjected, I mean a week prior she we were arguing over her not spending enough time with him but telling her sisters on the phone how she was a doting grandmother for two hours, after only after spending 10 min with him, and because he wouldn't play how she wanted she walked off. No thank you. He was only 7 years of age at the time.
I was so grateful when a outburst from nowhere occurred, weeks later due to my narcissist mother needing support from family members, was clearly was planning a discard by threatening me to admit to doing something I DIDNT DO.
The threat was I would "NEVER HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER AGAIN OR MYCHILD." It was so random and literally came from nowhere, I had been conditioned into these sorts of threats before or messages regarding whatever was going on in her life, even if we hadn't been in contact for ages, or when we last spoke it was polite. I would have to contact her to help stroke her ego, no in psychological forms plain trauma bonding.
This was the cherry on the icing to confirm what I had been thinking ove the last 2 years, No contact was long over due. Come across loud and clear in the narcissistic family. Some parents actually speak this message in various ways; others just model it to the children. Even if they display arrogant and boastful behaviour, under the veneer of a narcissist is a self-loathing psyche—that gets passed to the child.
Dysfunction—Obvious or Covert
In narcissist families, the dynamics can be seen or disguised. While the drama is not displayed as openly to the outside world, it is just as, if not, more damaging to the children. We can't change the past, but we can take control of the now. We do not have to be defined by the wounds in our family systems.
As a person on their own recovery journey, I think its always best to work on the inner child within when healing, so much focus is on the narcissist. We can create new life that will flow through us to the future and stop the legacy of distorted love learned in the narcissistic family. If we choose recovery.
