When we say yes, it feels good for both parties because it conveys congeniality. But saying no can feel uncomfortable because we are going against the grain. Even when it is in our best interests, we may still feel guilty or worry about disappointing other people.
That's because "Yes and No" are to both powerful short words, they evoke positive or negative emotions by the very thought of saying them.
I think it's important for people to practice being assertive, some people I have worked with say, “I don’t want to be mean. I want to show them I care, so they will like me ."
I understand and respect that as humans we all have a natural desire to be liked. This is engrained since early years on the school playground.
However, at times there is a unfounded psychological price tag that comes with agreeing to situations that don’t serve us. What do you mean?
Simply,
" The price we pay is choosing to betray ourselves to protect the feelings of others."
This may sound harsh and single focussed... But what if my argument could change the way you feel about yourself when you have to say no?
How Thoughts and Feelings Influence Our Decisions
When people change their beliefs or philosophy about something, their emotions and their behaviours also significantly change. ―Albert Ellis. He was a specialist in cognitive therapy- he created rational emotive behavioural therapy (REBT).
Albert Ellis believed....“when people change their beliefs or philosophy about something, their emotions and their behaviours also significantly change.”
Simply put, those who have a harder time saying no often get caught up by two trains thought:
Their core beliefs about relationships (i.e., I should always support my friends, no matter what)
Their concerns about how others will perceive them (i.e., If I say no, they will think I’m a terrible friend)
When we focus on negative outcomes, whether real or perceived, negative emotions usually follow. Some people are overwhelmed by concerns about disappointing others or being judged negatively. They can experience a cascade of thoughts and feelings that color their decisions.
Saying No (But Thinking Yes)
Question: When does no mean yes? Answer: Always.
When we make decisions, we are always affirming something. For me, on my journey to self healing, I realized a a people pleaser and living a past life of wanting but nothing through social acceptance and the need to be like, in turn invalidating my struggle of emotional abandonment through childhood trauma the basic need to say NO- and no the yes was for me was a NEED.
The realisation of saying no, was in fact saying yes to other things. Each time we say no to things that don’t serve us, we are saying yes to our convictions, needs, values, and standards. Saying no is about acknowledging our core truths and always saying yes to them. Reframing our decisions so we are always affirming can keep us grounded in positivity.
How does this work in our daily lives?
Each time we say NO to negative relationships, we are saying YES to our desire for love, respect, positivity, and peace.
Each time we say NO to partying, choosing to study instead, we are saying YES to the commitment to our academic goals.
Each time we say NO to career suggestions we have no interest in, we are saying YES to our own interests and need for fulfilment.
Each time we say NO to projects we don’t have time for, we are saying YES to a stress-free schedule and our commitment to mental well-being.
We Naturally Avoid Pain
Our behavioural responses are learned through trial and error. We learn to maximize pleasure and rewarding experiences. We also learn to avoid pain and negative experiences. If we believe saying no is painful or negative, it is likely that we will avoid it.
Now that we understand how thoughts affect our feelings, might it be possible to change how we feel about saying no by transforming it into a positive experience? I believe it is. And I believe it can be done by pairing positive personal meaning to our reasons for saying no.
Emotional Reactions
If a person is upset by a decision you have made, you must allow them to take responsibility for managing their disappointment. Being true to yourself is not a hurtful act. Any negative feelings they experience are those they have created for themselves, based on their own thoughts and beliefs. It is their responsibility to manage them.
How does this support my reasons for saying No?
Authenticity
It means being true to our desires, beliefs, values, and standards, without wavering in the face of external pressure. It means:
asserting our needs,
acting on our convictions, and
With this definition in mind, consider this: Any time we face a decision, it is a test of our authenticity. We can choose to live authentically according to our commitments. Or we can allow people to convince us to make decisions that disregard those commitments. When we base our decisions on the desires and perceptions of others, we are not being true to ourselves. Reframing our thinking to where we are always thinking YES, even when we say NO.
We can choose to live authentically according to our commitments. Or we can allow people to convince us to make decisions that disregard those commitments.