We all know narcissist tend to hide: Their true self , what they need you from you, during the attachment stage
Their seemingly loving persona, eventually unmasked to a vengeful cruel person. Two sides of the same coin both sharp and soft at the same time.
The most important part of understanding what led you to encounter or experience the narcissist in your life lies with understanding the first stage of the encounter.
Whether that be family or relationship.
The Narcissist heavily relies on portraying and introducing their false self, due to this they are very meticulous in presenting to people in their lives who they really are. This is due to them needing to ensure the upkeep of power can be obtained.
The 3 sides to the narcissist are the person they show themselves to be in the public eye, the person behind the four walls in private, and lastly the person they really are in secret.(There actually are insecurities).
The Public Self~ The narcissist in public, can always be seen to be helping others(hero to the neighbourhood, family or friends), running to their rescue, smiling, laughing loudly.
The public persona ~you will find will always treat others better than you, by doing this they create a self invalidating trigger to your system. To make you question what it maybe or how you are interacting with them that is different to others.
Narcissist mothers or fathers tend to do this whilst raising a child or are schooled in this way of thinking. Even early from a young age, these emotional scars are trigger points that end up enabling those who have been exposed to this emotion in direct manipulation and treatment to become accustomed to it, and then in turn end up being in narcissistic relationships. Depending entirely on the validation that was lacking during childhood.
I will, however, cover this point better in my series. - Narcissist Inflicts Wounds from Birth.
Their public persona is very much like that of a chameleon.
The Private Self~ Towards those who the narcissist may even envy or rely on for narcissistic supply can be Cold, immediate change when the people leave, or join settings. Doesn't talk, puts "immediate" family down, never compliments someone's hard work, always ensuring that they undermine achievements.
The true colours of the narcissist they try to hide behind are usually fearful, insecure, lives in constant fear of judgement, sees world as unsafe, hurting, immature, self-loathing, can't admit they have a problem thus in constant denial.
The person you tend to see in private will create an illusion of genuine character, and ensure this is the person you either confide in or trust. Ensuring they build up enough confidence in you, and things about you they can use to manipulate and control you in one form or another.
This can be in forms or financial abuse, gaslighting, emotional triggers, weaknesses that you may have that you confided in them about.
The narcissists power is to Undermine And Destroy In Secrecy:
Narcissists are extremely competitive. Their love can easily turn to hate when they discover that the qualities you have, are not traits that they have. They become jealous and angry towards you.
They can show this subtlety by embarrassing you in front of others, putting you down indirectly.
They try to compete with you in every possible way.
“A small example:”
A friend of mine recently explained to me that She wanted to enter the childcare sector, actually doing a role the narc parent had done in their younger life. When the Narc parent was told this.” The response was, I would have made money if I didn't listen to you, and stayed in that role. My friends explained to her mum that at the age of 14 years, her told her mum a comment like this from a child even though it may or may not have been hurtful and that she was sorry. “Shouldn't have been listened to”.
This is because narcs lack enthusiasm for your achievements, they tend to only show support when you're down or may need them, the hoovering and but when you're on top and want to celebrate, they intentionally devalue your accomplishments by not showing up and being supportive.
The narc response was, well we all do things, I mean looking back if I had made better decisions before I had you, I would have been better off.
Actually, behind closed doors, my friend would actually put her phone on speaker and I would hear the most unkind comments that would degrade and shame and really break someone's confidence. A completely different person when invited around for dinner.
On numerous occasions the Narc mother would insult her on her lack of life choices, and that they mother knows what's best for her. When my friend made achievements in her personal life, these were ever mentioned to the Narc Family, however the arguments they had always seemed to be mentioned to the family, who seemed to be enablers and flying monkeys in the treatment of these friends based on over 25 years of experiences.
When this was brought up by the daughter to her mother, the mother did what most narcissists do: complete denial and projection/blame-shifting. As you can see from my examples; They will even blame you for the very acts that they have committed and then they will act like they're so innocent and you are evil. Even if you haven't done anything.
My friends explained: That she felt she had to be their version of perfect. I am the scapegoat in the family. I was emotionally and physically abused. The emotional abuse was constant. I felt like a slave. Mistreated for no reason. Treated less than to make the narcissists in the family feel powerful.
She was in fact moulded from a young age- To be the family scapegoat.
Remember this: Having left a relationship / friendship or family dynamic of a narcissist who plans to heal so you can do so, teaches you a lot about you.
The posts I will be uploading will cover all areas of how the narcissist was or is in your life, and focussing on ways to start healing.
I would have never been able to start healing if I wouldn't have gone NO CONTACT. It seems impossible to go No Contact especially in the beginning but TRUST the process...after a few days, weeks, months (the healing path is different for all) after whatever amount of time you start to experience peace of mind again. The constant anxiety, terror and dread STOP. Once you are able to feel that calm, safe, consistent energy radiating from within YOURSELF...the narc loses ALL OF POWER .The spirit of a narcissistic spirit that delights in suffering. It can be found wherever the narcissist is.
You will learn your empathy is a strength- relied upon by the weak.
Your kindness is envied by those who have none.
Your strength is pulled upon by those whose insecurities are projected onto you— and how to see the chord and then cut it.
Dealing with a Narcissist leads you to confront and deal with our past and unpack our own baggage (inner wounds and our areas of weakness), which leaves us vulnerable to choosing and/or staying with them in the first place. Once we heal, we become more discerning, self-aware, wiser and stronger in the process and we learn to radically uphold our personal values, standards and boundaries. It’s a win in the end, because we learn to look for and find love in the mirror (within ourselves), before we consider seeking it outside of ourselves.
Self accountability is a must. I honestly appreciated the lesson, and moved on, finally realising your worth.